I feel bad for ignoring this blog. I was derailed by life. My pregnancy was rough. Early on, I was diagnosed with thrombophilia and was told that I needed to inject blood thinner daily or I could die… Or the baby could die. That’s quite a startling piece of information to hear, but I managed my best.

My OB visits always started with him scolding me for my weight gain. I was gaining fast, but not eating poorly. We figured out it was due to carbohydrate intolerance. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes that ended up being very difficult to control. I was now injecting insulin twice a day and blood thinners twice a day. Yet I managed and remained pretty calm.

One day before my baby shower and one week before I was going to start maternity leave, my mother suffered a massive stroke. I wasn’t sure she was going to make it. She was in a coma for weeks. Now, almost 4 months later, I’m still not sure if she is going to recover. I went to my baby shower pretty shaken up, but I managed my best and people admired my strength.

The day my daughter was born. It was wonderful to see her for the first time, but not so wonderful that I started to massively hemorrhage soon after. I didn’t see her for 10 hours while I was operated on and given a blood transfusion. Then, when I thought I was on the mend a couple days later, I hemorrhaged again requiring another surgery and transfusion.

This is when the panic set in and I didn’t realize it. I was trying to care for my kids and my body was aching. I felt scared to be with both of them alone while my husband was working. My shoulders felt like bricks and I started feeling burning sensations up and down my spine. I started feeling my face going numb and tingling sensations everywhere. I was convinced that something was really wrong with me and I was at the doctor nearly everyday. They couldn’t find anything medically wrong and tried telling me that it was stress. The symptoms kept getting worse and I couldn’t believe that stress would do this to me. I think I lost it when the dizziness set in. I was feeling dizzy all day long. I emailed my neurologist and he basically told me to see a therapist. This is when reality set in.

I noticed my symptoms were worse when I would talk to my dad about my mom. I would get back pain when talking about child are for my newborn daughter. The room would spin when I talked to my boss about my work from home options (please Lord let this happen). My anxiety manifested itself into physical symptoms.

All those moments I thought I was being stoic and “strong,” my body was just consuming my emotions and panic, only to manifest them later in a worse way. I’m sure that postpartum hormones don’t help either.

Now I need to find my balance. I am on medication now to help. I’m also seeing a therapist and telling myself that I’m okay and I can relax. Mind over matter. I’m taking vitamin d3 and b-complex and I feel like they help as well. I can get past this.