My life with Anxiety

I feel bad for ignoring this blog. I was derailed by life. My pregnancy was rough. Early on, I was diagnosed with thrombophilia and was told that I needed to inject blood thinner daily or I could die… Or the baby could die. That’s quite a startling piece of information to hear, but I managed my best.

My OB visits always started with him scolding me for my weight gain. I was gaining fast, but not eating poorly. We figured out it was due to carbohydrate intolerance. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes that ended up being very difficult to control. I was now injecting insulin twice a day and blood thinners twice a day. Yet I managed and remained pretty calm.

One day before my baby shower and one week before I was going to start maternity leave, my mother suffered a massive stroke. I wasn’t sure she was going to make it. She was in a coma for weeks. Now, almost 4 months later, I’m still not sure if she is going to recover. I went to my baby shower pretty shaken up, but I managed my best and people admired my strength.

The day my daughter was born. It was wonderful to see her for the first time, but not so wonderful that I started to massively hemorrhage soon after. I didn’t see her for 10 hours while I was operated on and given a blood transfusion. Then, when I thought I was on the mend a couple days later, I hemorrhaged again requiring another surgery and transfusion.

This is when the panic set in and I didn’t realize it. I was trying to care for my kids and my body was aching. I felt scared to be with both of them alone while my husband was working. My shoulders felt like bricks and I started feeling burning sensations up and down my spine. I started feeling my face going numb and tingling sensations everywhere. I was convinced that something was really wrong with me and I was at the doctor nearly everyday. They couldn’t find anything medically wrong and tried telling me that it was stress. The symptoms kept getting worse and I couldn’t believe that stress would do this to me. I think I lost it when the dizziness set in. I was feeling dizzy all day long. I emailed my neurologist and he basically told me to see a therapist. This is when reality set in.

I noticed my symptoms were worse when I would talk to my dad about my mom. I would get back pain when talking about child are for my newborn daughter. The room would spin when I talked to my boss about my work from home options (please Lord let this happen). My anxiety manifested itself into physical symptoms.

All those moments I thought I was being stoic and “strong,” my body was just consuming my emotions and panic, only to manifest them later in a worse way. I’m sure that postpartum hormones don’t help either.

Now I need to find my balance. I am on medication now to help. I’m also seeing a therapist and telling myself that I’m okay and I can relax. Mind over matter. I’m taking vitamin d3 and b-complex and I feel like they help as well. I can get past this.

Why I stopped following Bodyrock.tv

I’ve been a big supporter of bodyrock.tv for the past couple of years. I would recommend them to anyone I knew that was beginning a fitness routine, for weight loss, health, or just for fun. There was always a voyeuristic element to the site, but I didn’t mind it, because the workouts were great and the underlying message behind the site, to get healthy outside and inside, was something I could get behind.

Somehow, in the last few months, that has all changed. There is a superficially about it that I find unappealing.  Initially, it started with Lisa-Marie’s underwear workouts. Underwear tend to be a bit more revealing than bikini bottoms and track shorts, due to their breathability factor. If you are just working out at home in undies, more power to you, been there done that. 😉 However, if you are posing for a workout photoshoot…maybe not the best choice, but it does get people talking….

Not a good look! (courtesy of http://www.bodyrock.tv)

I liked the fact that bodyrock started utilizing social media, but I didn’t like the fact that they started posting vapid updates. I would see status after status linking to gossip magazines showing celebrities with “unflattering” figures with a title of “What do you think of this?” The whole concept of bodyrock became image related. I didn’t want to bring Zuzana up, but when she would offer up recipes, it would actually be a recipe…that you can make :), and she would explain why the ingredients were good for you. Now you are offered a picture of a salad with the caption “This is what I ate today”…which on a certain level, isn’t bad, but it only touches the surface on what it takes to commit to a healthy lifestyle. There seems to be more of a focus on “getting skinny” over at Bodyrock over actually “getting healthy.”

Then there is the cosmetic surgery. I’m not against cosmetic surgery, so when Lisa-Marie blogged about getting new boobs, I said more power to her. But soon after the boobs came the hair extensions, then the fuller lips, and then what appears to be botox around the cheeks/eyebrows. What startled me is that this happened so quickly, what also grabs my attention is that Lisa-Marie doesn’t seem like herself anymore. I know that this is just my own opinion, but it’s like all her insecurities are on full display. Her eyes look sad.

I found this image on a Pet Rock Studios blog post and it sums up this commentary perfectly.

There is also a major focus on the part of Freddie Light to highlight the new implants in most of the teaser photos…If it’s not the implants, it’s the crotch region. I don’t mind a touch of provocative, but bleh, I’m not really digging the new direction. I’m not going to get into the whole new “Flow” section, because I just don’t like the direction they’ve taken with it either.

Bottom line – While bodyrock.tv still has some great workouts to choose from, their direction into “Thinspo” has driven me away from recommending them and following the site in the future.

Still chugging along…

I’m still here. Miraculously. 😉

My condition has not improved on the Amitiza. Somehow it has actually gotten worse, most likely do to stress and the side effects of the medication. So all this treatment has given me is added nausea. 😦 My GI doctor is perplexed, but he wants me to continue on a higher dosage on Amitiza. I’ve been on a higher dosage for the last couple of days, but still not getting complete bowel movements.The next phase of testing for me is to explore a pelvic floor dysfunction diagnosis. I have a hunch that this might be the root of my problem.

My son this week has been sick and his cough was worrisome enough for me to take him to the doctor. He was diagnosed with walking pneumonia today. My little man is in good spirits and happy to not be in school. I just have to keep my cool and not let this stress me out, especially when I have lots to do in the office and I can’t be there.

Still getting my workouts in! I’ve done a rotation of running/jogging 3 miles, going to the gym and doing a cardio/sculpt or Zumba class and doing Zumba Workout II on the Wii. Today I did Zuzka Light’s ZWOW #4

I did great! I was able to keep up with Zuzana and was a little faster than her on the burpees. I struggled with push-up twists – I had to do push ups on my knees during the last round, but I did it. 🙂 My son commented that she just better than me at jumping rope, but I told him that that just makes me try harder in order to get better. 😉

I think I mentioned a few posts ago that have been wearing a bodymedia fit armband. This little gizmo has been great. I bought an older model off of eBay and saved myself a ton of money. A new one costs $180+. The sensor keeps track of your calories burned, step taken and your sleep. I was really curious about the sleep part. Here you can see my graph for the day.I have not uploaded any data since I woke up this morning, so the rest of the data is incomplete. However, I want you to look the “Sleep Duration” row. I got 5:46 minutes of sleep last night. My son was coughing and hacking most of the night, but between 5-6 hours is what I have been averaging since I started tracking with the armband. That is horrible. Not not sure why I am a giant FAIL when it comes to sleep. I know part of it is that my husband works nights and I think subliminally I want to stay up to see him (He gets home around midnight usually). It’s tough when you work a different schedule from your partner. Another part of my problem is my couch potato tendencies. Once I get my son to bed, I don’t feel right just getting a yoga or Zumba session in and going to bed. I have to fart around on Pinterest or Facebook and then catch up on my DVR. By the time I do all that, my husband is home and then I’m chatting with him and my sleep is ruined. I will need to actively work to fix this.