I feel bad for ignoring this blog. I was derailed by life. My pregnancy was rough. Early on, I was diagnosed with thrombophilia and was told that I needed to inject blood thinner daily or I could die… Or the baby could die. That’s quite a startling piece of information to hear, but I managed my best.
My OB visits always started with him scolding me for my weight gain. I was gaining fast, but not eating poorly. We figured out it was due to carbohydrate intolerance. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes that ended up being very difficult to control. I was now injecting insulin twice a day and blood thinners twice a day. Yet I managed and remained pretty calm.
One day before my baby shower and one week before I was going to start maternity leave, my mother suffered a massive stroke. I wasn’t sure she was going to make it. She was in a coma for weeks. Now, almost 4 months later, I’m still not sure if she is going to recover. I went to my baby shower pretty shaken up, but I managed my best and people admired my strength.
The day my daughter was born. It was wonderful to see her for the first time, but not so wonderful that I started to massively hemorrhage soon after. I didn’t see her for 10 hours while I was operated on and given a blood transfusion. Then, when I thought I was on the mend a couple days later, I hemorrhaged again requiring another surgery and transfusion.
This is when the panic set in and I didn’t realize it. I was trying to care for my kids and my body was aching. I felt scared to be with both of them alone while my husband was working. My shoulders felt like bricks and I started feeling burning sensations up and down my spine. I started feeling my face going numb and tingling sensations everywhere. I was convinced that something was really wrong with me and I was at the doctor nearly everyday. They couldn’t find anything medically wrong and tried telling me that it was stress. The symptoms kept getting worse and I couldn’t believe that stress would do this to me. I think I lost it when the dizziness set in. I was feeling dizzy all day long. I emailed my neurologist and he basically told me to see a therapist. This is when reality set in.
I noticed my symptoms were worse when I would talk to my dad about my mom. I would get back pain when talking about child are for my newborn daughter. The room would spin when I talked to my boss about my work from home options (please Lord let this happen). My anxiety manifested itself into physical symptoms.
All those moments I thought I was being stoic and “strong,” my body was just consuming my emotions and panic, only to manifest them later in a worse way. I’m sure that postpartum hormones don’t help either.
Now I need to find my balance. I am on medication now to help. I’m also seeing a therapist and telling myself that I’m okay and I can relax. Mind over matter. I’m taking vitamin d3 and b-complex and I feel like they help as well. I can get past this.
I’m so sorry you had to deal with all of this. Any one of these things would have been enough to fell a lot of people, but all of them together can take quite a toll.
I know a lot of women in our age bracket have debilitating anxiety that manifests itself in some pretty frightening physical reactions. I know the exact tingling and numbing sensations you speak of. I was passed from doctor to doctor and no one could figure out what was wrong with me. I’m surprised it took someone so long to realize it was severe anxiety, and not the myriad other maladies they were testing me for (heart failure, diabetes, seizures, etc.). I’ve been on my meds for a little over a year now and the difference is quite dramatic. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to go off meds, but it’s a trade off that I’m completely willing to take. I hope you get the same relief that I’ve been able to find.
I’m sorry that you are dealing with this too, but I’m glad that they finally made the diagnoses and are getting treatment. This is definitely one of the most frightening experiences I’ve ever had.
I hope this isn’t too forward but do both of you mind me asking what meds you’re taking for the anxiety & depression? I have Xanax but I think I need something specifically for my depression 😦
I’m taking zoloft. It’s compatible with breastfeeding. I was taking Ativan and then doing a pump and dump, but I don’t need it anymore. I’m also taking b-complex and amino acids. That is helping too.
I’m on Celexa. I was on Ativan but I found that it couldn’t control my anxiety, only help treat it once an attack hit.
Wow Evie. I feel like such a shitty friend, I had NO idea 😦 I mean I knew about your mom (sorry to hear its still not markedly better) & your anxiety but nothing about what you went thru during and after childbirth! It’s incredible (horribly so) what we can miss because FB is so “micro bloggy” and then if you ONLY read the newsfeed you may NEVER see a friends update saying they almost DIED! I’m now SO glad I’m subscribed to this & get notified when you write. I like it, it feels so much more personal (especially great for hermits like you & I who want to keep in touch with friends, but from within our hiding spots inside our house… under our couch cushions) 😉 I joke, but really I’m so glad you’re alive (it’s really helping me right now put my own “troubles” in perspective so THANK YOU! I may now sleep tonight instead of obsessing about why that dickhead hurt me!) Please continue to write when you can. You’re also encouraging me to get a therapist. Lord knows I need one! See all the good that has come from one single post? I only hope that I can somehow help you in return someday soon ❤
You are not a shitty friend! I know how FB is. I really didn’t write about my hemorrhages there. Its not the easiest thing to write about. “Hey, I almost bleed to death today!”
Yeah, that’s not an update that you tend to see a lot.
hi, zuzana..I have obsessive-compulsive disorder, which is technically an anxiety disorder, so I kinda know how u feel..hang in there.. 🙂 brian filley ; mrdavidt363 ; robotron363..